Conversations that misfire

Last week I spent some time on the phone with Tom*, a deeply respected friend and colleague. I first met Tom when we were each starting our own coaching businesses. In the 12 years since, we have cheered each other on, provided advice (when asked), sanity checked each others thinking and been regular lunch buddies.

As the personal and business implications of COVID-19 emerged over the last couple of weeks, it was natural to seek each other out to talk through our respective responses to the crisis. Our conversations have always had a naturally fast rhythm and high energy that made them feel easy and aligned — even when we disagree (which, frankly, isn’t that often). But last week’s conversation was different.

It started out normally enough but somewhere along the way something unusual happened. We both started spinning — in opposite directions. I melted down and Tom melted up.

I lost all energy and if I’m honest began to disengage from the conversation. Tom, on the other hand, was full of beans and the more I pulled away, the more he tried to get me to re-engage. For two people who pride themselves on reading others, at that moment we failed each other. Deep down we both had a sense of what was happening — but for some reason were powerless to stop it. It left me feeling exhausted, emotional and in truth, annoyed.

Tom and I have reflected on the conversation — individually and together — to figure out what happened. Clearly we were both feeling stressed and anxious in the face of great uncertainty. As an extrovert, he was looking at me as a source of energy. I’m more introverted so my challenge in times of stress is to dampen my own natural energy — which is why we clashed at that moment.

While it wasn’t the most pleasant experience, our reflections did lead me to think about what it means as we navigate these uncertain times.

Right now we’re all trying to replace our face-face contact with other forms of connectivity — which is great — but the conversations won't always make us feel better. And that’s OK. It is important to stay in tune with how we’re feeling and find ways to articulate that to others — to strike the balance between what we need for ourselves and what others need from us.

When that doesn't work (which I’m sure will happen), then the follow up is also important — keep talking to each other. In the situation for Tom and I, thankfully he called me the next day and we were able to admit to each other how we felt and what it meant — and that felt better. I admitted that I’d wanted to call him to talk about it — but I got it into my head that I didn’t know what to say. In the end, calling and saying “I didn’t feel good about that” would have been enough to open up the conversation and figure it out together.

And when all else fails, kindness and forgiveness got us a long way. Did we let each other down at that moment? Sure. Was there any bad intent on either side? No way! We were both doing the best we could — not the proudest moment for either of us, but I’ve no doubt our friendship is stronger because we found a way to understand each other a little better. That can’t be a bad thing, right?

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