Stop listening and start paying attention
Photo by Waldemar Brandt on Unsplash
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve delivered a series of facilitated conversations to help leaders to build their coaching muscle. We’ve been talking about the core skills that underpin good coaching. For me, those skills are listening, connecting ideas and respectful challenge.
I wrote about specific listening modes in a previous article, and these recent conversations have prompted me to extend those ideas. I suggest that when we’re coaching, mentoring or managing, listening doesn’t capture what we’re doing — or more specifically it doesn’t capture all that we’re doing.
I think listening is more accurately framed as paying attention…
Of course, we’re listening to the words being said and considering how the ideas presented connect (or don’t) to each other. We’re also listening for what is not being said. We’re looking for consistency or integrity between words and actions. For example, if someone tells me that family is their #1 priority but never mentions any activity that involves their family, I’m likely to ask about that.
We’re also paying attention to facial expressions and other signals from body language. Is your team member smiling? Looking perplexed? Looking at you? Looking away? Scratching their head? Has their face turned red? Has this changed throughout the conversation? In what way?
What do you notice about their focus? Are they shuffling in their chair? Does it feel like they’re in the conversation with you? Or is their Slack pinging constantly taking them away from your session? Sometimes there is nothing specific you can point to — it just feels like they’re not there with you.
Maybe there’s something that feels different to the last time you met. Or the last 5 times you met.
As you’re processing these observations, the important part is to stay curious. Try not to become annoyed if you feel like they’re distracted. It’s much more productive to share your observation and check in with them. You’ll be surprised at how this can open up a conversation. A simple “it feels like you’re a little distracted today. Are you OK?” can work wonders. Let’s face it, most people are not rude on purpose. They might just have something significant going on and haven’t found a way to tell you about it yet. Your observation about their behaviour might just be the key that unlocks what’s happening for them.
Here’s a simple formula for paying attention:
Paying attention = observation + curiosity + open question
My top tips for putting the formula into practice include:
Have the courage to speak openly about your observations. Sometimes this will be easy (“you seem really energised today”) and other times less so (“you seem a <frustrated/annoyed/angry>”). Just remember, the intent is to reserve judgement, open up the conversation and acknowledge any elephants that might be in the room.
Prepare to be wrong. The conclusion you’ve drawn from your observation might be off base — but that can still be valuable as a counterpoint to help your team member describe what they are experiencing.
Don’t overthink. It can be daunting to consider noticing all these things while you’re focusing on your agenda or, in the case of coaching, trying to master some basic skills. Rome wasn’t built in a day and these things get easier over time. You can add them in one at a time. It’s more important to stay present than to “tick off the things on your noticing checklist”.
Practice in situations where the risk feels lower for you. For example, with people you know well, where you have a higher degree of confidence when it comes to interpreting their reactions.
Pace yourself. Don’t be surprised if you feel tired after initial attempts to activate your attention. Using all your senses, suspending judgement all while staying focused on the desired outcome for your meeting can be pretty tiring.